Job Ad Humors
“PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:”
Once it’s shared between the higher-ups, there won’t be a profit.
“COMPETITIVE SALARY:”
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
“JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:”
We have no time to train you; you’ll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
“SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:”
We’re not going to supply you with leads; there’s no base salary; you’ll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
“SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:
“…who still live with their parents and won’t mind our internship-level salaries.
“CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:”
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
“COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:”
We have a lot of turnover.
“EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT:”
Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.
“FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT:”
Your coworkers will be insulted if you don’t drink with them.
“A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT:”
We booze it up at company parties.
“MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:”
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
“SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:”
If we’re in trouble, you’ll go on TV and get us out of it.
“A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION:”
You’ll give boring speeches on your own time.
“FLEXIBLE HOURS:”
Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
“DUTIES WILL VARY:”
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
“WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED:”
Those who missed the last round of layoffs, that is.
“MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:”
We have no quality control.
“CAREER-MINDED:”
Female Applicants must must be childless (and remain that way).
“SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:”
You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.
“PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:”
You’re walking into a company in perpetual, systemic chaos.
“REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:”
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
“GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:”
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do.
“ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:”
You whine, you’re fired.
More at http://www.freemaninstitute.com/hrhumor
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